Yesterday I received a call from a strange number not in my contact file. The voice was muffled and the caller made no effort to introduce himself. “Hello, is this George Pence?”
“Yes,” I replied.
“The Pence who writes McAdams Apple?”
“One and the same.”
In a harsh whisper he breathed, “I’ve got the goods.”
“What goods?”
He insisted, “The goods on Winder.”
“Really, on Winder. How so?”
“You know, I’ve got the Burwash thing.”
“What?” I said, “That’s old news. Winder posed as a 16th century tennis pro and fed puff pieces to the Deseret News. Everyone knows the story and, unfortunately, I think about five people care.”
“Oh, they’ll care now,” he replied.
“Why?”
“Because I’ve got the tape.”
“The tape?” I asked.
“Yes, the tape of Burwash’s last phone conversation with the Deseret News.”
“And I suppose you’ll give it to me?”
“Yes.”
“And why?”
“Let’s say I’m not entirely at peace with the way his family has exploited cows.”
“Bovine abuse?... I had no idea. Where do we meet for the handoff?”
“Be under the poplar on the southeast section of Winder Farms at 2 AM. Call out ‘Beulah’ and wait for a holstein. The tape will be attached to her bell.”
I did as instructed, and yes, Beulah met me under the poplar. The promised recording is now mine. I’ve spent most of the day transcribing it, and below is the unexpurgated record of that conversation.
..........
Des News: “Hello, is this Richard Burwash?”
Burwash: “Yes, but please call me Dick. Most people do.”
Des News: “OK, Dick, I’ve been reading your last submission about West Valley and I’ve got a few questions. You know, minor things before we go to press.”
Burwash: “Sure, how can I help?”
Des News: “Well your mayor, Mike Winder, he plays a prominent role in this report, and his name gets repeated over and over again.”
Burwash: “Yes, but you’d agree he plays an important role in the story.”
Des News: “True, but is it necessary to use an adjective every time his name is mentioned?”
Burwash: “I’m not sure what you mean.”
Des News: “Well, for instance, the name Mike Winder appears eight times in the first two paragraphs. Before each mention are these adjectives and in this order of appearance: great, wonderful, smart, handsome, intrepid, flawless, charismatic and brilliant.”
Burwash: “All accurate - every one of them. But maybe you’re looking for something a bit more.... concise. Maybe we could use every other adjective say, every other time.”
Des News: “Yeah, maybe. But let’s look at the story itself. May we?”
Burwash: “Sure, go ahead. What’s on your mind”
Des News: “Well, first of all, are you sure Robert Redford is negotiating with Mike Winder to do a remake of Shangri-La set in West Valley?”
Burwash: “Absolutely!”
Des News: “How do you know this?”
Burwash: “Well, yesterday I was talking to Bobby, and he confirmed it.”
Des News: “Bobby?”
Burwash: “Yes, Bobby Redford. He and I are close. I call him Bobby, and you probably already know what he calls me.”
Des News: “Dick?”
Burwash: “Exactly. Did I tell you we’re real close?”
Des News: “You did.”
Burwash: “Anything else?”
Des News: “As a matter of fact, yes. You say the movie’s set in the 80‘s and Redford has the plane of a diplomat make a forced landing at Winder Farms.”
Burwash: “Exactly”
Des News: “And a young boy dashes across the field then singlehandedly saves the passengers and crew?”
Burwash: “Right.”
Des News: “And this boy happens to be Mike Winder, the future mayor of Shangri-La?”
Burwash: “Yes, it’s all there, in the script.”
Des News: “Really? Well, I have just one more question.”
Burwash: “Sure, shoot.”
Des News: “Am I talking to Mike Winder?”
.............
That concludes the audible portion of the conversation. What can be heard after that is a very long pause followed by a ‘click.’
I’ve struggled over what to do with this tape. At last I’ve concluded that the only fair thing is to release the transcript after most of today’s voting has transpired. After all, the source remains anonymous and Beulah isn’t talking.
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